Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
As shirtless as possible
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
