dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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