I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
