If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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