Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
