It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
