and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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