I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
