she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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