the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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