All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
