Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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