she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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