Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
