If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize