Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
