Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
