you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
