I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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