there was a trapeze. enough said
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
