he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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