Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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