its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
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