Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dignity is for republicans.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
