Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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