The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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