Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
