I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
