The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
