as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
