shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize