Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
