a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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