dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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