i can't believe i had my finger in that
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
