Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
