Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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