when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
