I saw his package. It spoke to me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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