I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize