Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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