I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
