you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
