if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
