I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
She needs sedatives and a leash
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
