I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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