life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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