I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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