He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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