That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
