One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
