No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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