you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
