I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
