Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize